Conversations About Fatherhood: Be there

Our pasts are powerful. They inform our present and our future and we get to choose if our experiences will be a force for good or bad.

My story today is about Mike, father of three girls aged 4, 7 and 11. He has impacting stories from the past that are helping him to live a very intentional life with his kids. He is choosing to BE THERE in both a physical and emotionally supportive role.

Mike and Sarah’s oldest daughter was 6 weeks old when Mike left their home in Whitehorse, Yukon, to head further north on a 4-month work contract. Upon returning home, his 6-month-old baby girl didn’t know who he was. She had formed a strong bond with her mom, but he was a stranger to her. He went back to work on his following shift and informed his bosses he was going to have to quit because he couldn’t have his daughter growing up without him present. It was so obvious to him that he needed to make a change for the sake of his family. It was a big turning point in his life and he felt if he was going to have any shot at fatherhood, he at least had to be there.

Mike was a decent employee and the company liked him, so they kept him around town and he worked with the crotchety old foreman that no one wanted to work with. He missed out on making the big money, working lots of hours, but he worked with guys near retirement that had chased dollars. He asked them what their biggest regrets were. They said they should have spent more time with their family.

That defining time in Mike’s life has formed much of his philosophy around parenting. Combine that with his mom dying when he was just 10 years old and the motivation to do life differently with his kids is strong. His main focus isn’t working or personal recreation. It is to serve his family first.

Mike says “I feel panicky when I am supposed to be home. My workmates know I’m not hanging around. I’m taking off to go be with my kids. I like being with them. I’m not leaving them for someone else to raise or for them to get all of their ideas or info elsewhere. Whether my kids respect me, love me or get along with me, they should at least know who I am, and what I tried to do in their life.

Some days all I want out of parenting is for them to listen to me! Other days I want everything for them – I want them to be educated where needed, so they know what to do in the moments they find themselves in life. In the big heavy decisions, I want them to have the knowledge to make the right choices.

The best connections I have with the kids is when I can directly relate to something that is going on in their lives. I can help them because of my past experiences or rejoice with them because of something they have done well. It’s the best feeling when I get it and they get it. It’s a two-way thing. I try to be an active part of their life and every now and then something I have told them comes into sync. They acted on my advice and it worked out! The reverse is true too; I can say I’ve been in that bad place, and it sucks.

There are difficulties in parenting too. No matter how hard I try, my kids will never be me. That’s why I feel such a great connection when we are on the same page because so often we aren’t. Sometimes I push a value or opinion but they don’t feel it. Or I could be trying to share a passion I have in an activity or sport that doesn’t resonate with them. It is hard to try and help them to be the best version of themselves. They are so far from who I am or who I thought they would be. I expected they would mirror my best qualities and when I don’t see my flaws corrected in my kids I almost feel like I have let them down.

Another challenge for me is that I’m not a mother. It is tough to step in as a dad to give mom a rest, and have it completely backfire. I try to mirror Sarah’s work and tweak it slightly, but the kids don’t understand that in me. They say “you are a fun dad why are we doing all this work”?!

So what does the nitty-gritty look like for BEING THERE for your kids? Here are three areas of life that Mike and I reflected on during our conversation. I love what he had to say, and I hope they encourage you on your journey too!

1. KIDS NEED TO FEEL LOVED IN LIFE AND SUPPORTED IN DECISIONS

I wish the best for them. Whatever other people are saying or whatever they get into, they are loved and cared for regardless of what their feelings or hormones convey. When my Mom died, I had to fend for myself. My stepmother fit every description of cruel-stepmother and I don’t have much relationship with my Dad, which is why I want my kids to know they are loved and can feel comfortable coming to us with their problems. I might not know the answers but we can figure them out together. I made a lot of wrong choices because I didn’t really have any parental direction. I had basic ground rules, but when the rebellious teen stage hit, I didn’t have an anchor to bounce ideas off; good, bad or otherwise. Without any counsel you are just left to whatever the world gives you. I want something better for my kids.

2. SURROUNDING MY FAMILY WITH COMMUNITY

A couple of cross-country moves later, we have landed in Fernie. Without family nearby, the old saying of it takes a ‘community to raise a child’ is so true. I have been talking a lot about inward focus with my family, but we need to focus out as well. They see us helping others through our involvement in church, kids camps and youth events, and building homes on a team for the poor in El Salvador.

We can fine tune what kids are learning and seeing but we need to expose our kids to other ways of life as well. I want another respected man or woman to show them their place when they are out of line even if it’s not exactly the same as how we would handle it. We get together to have fun with other families but I also see that as a way to help share the load of parenting. Sometimes we need to step away, but kids shouldn’t be left alone. There should be another adult that loves them. Typically family would take that role but many of us don’t have that. It helps to have a half-dozen family-friend units that we are doing life with. We can help each other and have strong connections with each others kids. That is so valuable.

3. BEING A DIFFERENCE MAKER FOR FAMILY CONNECTIONS IN THIS GENERATION

I have great memories of family times as a kid. My grand parents had a farm that was a gathering place for both getting work done and spending time together. Those good times were started from my great grandfather acting with intentionality three generations ago. Family gatherings were large and there were always tonnes of cousins to hang out with. My kids won’t have what I had. Grandparents aren’t a part of my kids lives because our family all lives on the other side of the country. It’s like we get to start over again and build a new family history with our kids. By us being there for our kids and knowing them well, and our kids supporting each other as sisters, we get to expand our family again when they have kids. We get to see the multiplication of relationships and pass on something great to the next generation and beyond.

As Mike takes the things he has experienced and learnt from the past, those threads of wisdom and intention are woven into the tapestry of his family. We can change the course of history in the lives of our kids. BEING THERE matters. We don’t have to be perfect parents but we do need to show up. In big and small ways, every single day.

A heartfelt THANKS to Mike for being willing to talk to me and letting me chase him and his kids around with my camera. I deeply value the opportunity to speak of significant matters, and with the fleeting days of childhood, photos are priceless 🙂